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Becky was on her deathbed with her husband, Jake, maintaining a steady vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Jake," she whispered.
"Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk."
But she was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."
Jake mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," he said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?"
Dentists do it orally Cops do it with cuffs DJ's do it on request Truckers do it in the road Soldiers do it under orders Detectives do it under cover Australians do it Down Under Zoologists do it with animals Gardeners do it in the bushes Gas attendants Pump all day Firemen do it with a big hose Frank Sinatra does it his way Engineers do it to specification Garbagemen come twice a week Chess players check their Mates Ambulance drivers come quicker Pianists touch, tickle, and titillate! Housewives do it for an allowance Jockeys gallop hard and finish fast Mountain Climbers like to be on top Waiters and waitresses do it for tips Accountants do it with Double Entry Landlords do it every 1st of the month Acupuncturists do it with a small prick Travel Agents do it in lots of different places Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers Pizza delivery men come in 30 minutes or it's free Bankers do it with interest, Bartenders do it on the Rocks Watch out for tennis players - love means nothing to them! Postal Workers - Lick It Before They Stick It
A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie.
The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Poof!
There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.
THE THREE LITTLE PIGS A friend of mine likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night. Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs parts of the stories for fun. One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said "...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said "Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?" Then the teacher asked the class "And what do you think that man said?" and my friend's son raised his hand and said "I know! I know! He said 'Holy Shit!! A talking pig!'"
Little Johnny Johnson and Susie Smith are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married. So Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walks up to him
and says
"Mr. Smith, Me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you
for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the
cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
So without even taking a moment
to think about it, Johnny replies
"In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit
there nicely."
Still thinking this is just
adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay then how will you live? Your not old enough to get a
job. You'll need to support Susie."
So again Johnny instantly
replies,
"Our allowance. Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10
bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month. That should do us
just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.
After a second, Mr. Smith says,
"Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all
figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you
do ~ if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his
shoulders and says
"Well, we've been lucky so far."
You're STUPID!
A new teacher was
trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying,
"Everyone who thinks their are stupid, stand up!"
... After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by
yourself!"
- Here are the old ones again (too good to leave out) -
Bill Clinton: Resigns from presidency...takes
job coaching girls basketball team at Arkansas city college.
Monica Lewinsky: Sells story for $2 million. Marries and
divorces several times. Is 40 pounds overweight by age 30.
Vernon Jordan: Gets off by claiming he is being framed by
"racists." Joins 30 more corporate boards who need to
fill "the black slot."
Hillary Clinton: Has threesome with Jesse Helms and Strom
Thurmond to "get even" with Bill.
Chelsea Clinton: Drifts into alcoholism. Poses nude for
Penthouse at age 25 for $50,000 cash and a used Buick.
Al Gore: Serves out final months of Clinton's presidency.
Wins election by having himself castrated as show of good faith
to voters that "not all Democrats are like that."
Autumn Jackson: Applies for intern job at White House.
- Remember... You read it here, first! -
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